4 Tips for Navigating Tough Times with Grace

There are times in all of our lives that can just plain suck. You know the types of times I am talking about. When nothing seems to be going right, no matter how much effort and energy we are putting into making things better. When it seems to be one shit storm after another. The times where we are pushed to (or beyond) our limit. When we are calling friends in tears on the bathroom floor because we just can’t take it anymore. When we start to question what is the point of it all anyways. When it feels like we are further behind than ever before. Its can feel like a deep dark hole we will never get out of. 

Tough times happen to all of us. No one is immune. They are a part of the ups and downs of life and are a part of the category of the things we can’t control (but wish we could). We may not be able to control what happens and when or even how long it lasts, but we can strengthen our ability to navigate these times with as much grace as we can muster.

1. Recognize what you can control and surrender what is outside your control (no matter how much your inner control freak wants to be able to control everything). 

When we fight against what we can’t control we waste a ton of energy. We feel frustrated, stuck and powerless. The first step is to get clear on what is actually within your power to make a difference and where you are wasting your energy trying to fight reality.  Make it a conscious practice to surrender what is outside of your control. Focus your energy on the actions steps that are within your power to make a difference. 

What we can control is our own thoughts, behaviours, choices and perspectives. Even in the crappiest times we can realistically evaluate all of our options and take our power back by owning our own choices. For example in a horrible job: you can try to improve things, to not let it bother you so much, to find sources of satisfaction and joy outside of work. You can invest in training and developing your skills, look for a transfer or other options or you can always just leave. The reality is no one is forcing you to stay. Can’t afford to leave? It is still our choice to prefer crappy employment to potentially even crappier unemployment and all its related stress. But at least in owning our own choices we can take our power back and step out of the role of being the passive victim. 

2) Nurture Yourself and Give Yourself Credit:  

It is easy to get down on ourselves when we are going through challenging times. We can lose sight of the best and brightest  versions of ourselves. Difficult times often take all of our grit just to get through them. The longer the challenge lasts and the more stressors we face can push our nervous systems into overwhelm and even to past the breaking point. 

We can feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, depressed, burnt out, like a failure, on edge, moody, angry and a host of other not-so-fun stressed, frazzled emotions. 

Be gentle with yourself and cut yourself a break. Remind yourself of the credit you would give anyone else going through something similar. Would you expect the same from them as you do yourself? 

It can be a heroic effort just to survive and get through another day during the most challenging times. 

Give yourself permission to feel like you don’t have it all together. Remember all that you have come through and remind yourself that change is constant and this too shall pass. 

Let things slide that are not a number one priority. If the heath of a family member is in crisis, who cares if the house is a mess. 

Your priority during difficult times is to survive it with your sanity intact and to do this you need to make sure you are also taking care of yourself and refilling your own tank. 

Difficult times can be moments or can be more like marathons. Self-care is not optional when you need to go the distance. 

3) Seek Support and Allow Yourself to Receive It:  

Difficult times are a wonderful time for overachievers and perfectionists to learn to recognize that we can’t always do it all. When we hit our own breaking point it can serve as a wake-up call to reevaluate the balance of giving and receiving in our own lives. If we are always the one who seems to have it all together it can be humbling to realize that we also need support. 

The reality is that we all need to balance giving and receiving and there can be times in our lives where we may be more focused on one side or the other. Over-giving tends to be over-valued in our culture and society but we also need to allow ourselves to receive support. Many people, (I often see these fears with women in my practice and are something I had to work through myself), are afraid of coming across as needy or being a burden, or adding stress or worry to those in their networks. But there is a difference between always being a selfish taker and being a caring, loving person who is just going through a rough patch. You can likely already recognize the difference for yourself. Most of us would hate to see our close friends or family suffering in silence without reaching out for support. It can actually strengthen relationships when we allow ourselves to be more vulnerable and to ask for support. True, it might turn off any takers and of course it hurts to realize there may be some fair weather friends who only call when they are in crisis but disappear when you are in a rough patch but wouldn’t you rather know who you can count on and save yourself the energy and disappointment in the future? 

4) Choose to look for the Gifts in Difficult times: 

These gifts are not always easy to see and often we don’t recognize them until after the storm has passed and we have some distance from the chaos. If we choose to look for them there can be important learning and lessons in difficult times. 

In hitting the breaking point to gather courage to leave an abusive relationship we may come out feeling a little battered and broken hearted. But, we can also become stronger, more courageous and with healthier boundaries and a better relationship with ourselves. 

Difficult times can help us to get clear about our values and what is really important to us in this life. They can strengthen relationships by going through something deeper together. They can help us to gain perspective and to not sweat the small stuff. They can push us to develop qualities within ourselves that can continue to serve us in all areas of our lives. They can force us to learn to surrender and to trust in something greater than ourselves. 

But the key is it is not that difficult times that bring gifts in themselves. It is in how we choose to respond to them. The choice is ours alone. 

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