What Are We Asking of Each Other?

One of the harder lessons I have been learning, personally and professionally, is that wanting someone to be capable of a particular kind of relationship with us doesn't mean they actually are.

And sometimes that is one of the most painful truths to accept.

We can love someone.

We can understand them.

We can see their potential.

We can know that they have good intentions.

We can even know that they have done therapy or personal development work.

And still have to acknowledge:

They may not currently have the capacity or skills to participate in the relationship we want with them.

That doesn't necessarily make them a bad person.

And it doesn't necessarily mean we are asking for too much.

It may simply mean there is a mismatch between what we need and what they are currently able or willing to offer.

Words matter. Actions matter more.

One thing I find myself paying more attention to as I get older is the difference between awareness and embodied change.

Someone can have tremendous insight into their patterns.

They can know their attachment style.

They can talk about their childhood.

They can recognize their triggers.

They can tell you exactly what they are working on in therapy.

And yet the more important question may be:

How are those patterns actually showing up in their life?

How do they behave when they are stressed?

How do they respond when someone gives them feedback?

Can they take responsibility without immediately becoming defensive?

Can they repair after conflict?

Can they tolerate discomfort?

Do their actions reflect the awareness they speak about?

Growth isn't just what we understand intellectually.

It is what we increasingly become capable of doing.

Capacity is not the same thing as intention

This is particularly important in relationships.

Someone may genuinely care about you and still not have the capacity to give you what you are asking for.

They might be overwhelmed.

They might have children who need them.

They might be caring for an aging parent.

They might be struggling with their own mental health.

They might simply be at capacity with the responsibilities already on their plate.

Or they may not have developed the relational skills necessary for the kind of connection you are hoping to create.

And this is where things get complicated.

Because sometimes we interpret someone's lack of capacity as a lack of care.

Sometimes it is.

But sometimes it isn't.

Sometimes “I can't” and “I don't care” are two very different statements.

Our work is learning to discern the difference.

We can want people to be more than they currently are

I understand this one deeply.

It hurts when someone we love doesn't have the relationship skills we wish they had.

And their age, gender or role doesn't guarantee those skills.

Being a parent doesn't automatically mean someone knows how to communicate well.

Being a friend doesn't mean someone knows how to repair conflict.

Being a partner doesn't automatically make someone emotionally available.

Being someone's mother, father, sibling or lifelong friend doesn't mean they possess the skills required for the relationship we want.

These skills have to be developed.

And sometimes we have to grieve the fact that someone we love may not develop them.

Changing our side of the street

There is an important question we can ask ourselves:

• What happens if I change my side of the street?

• Can I communicate differently?

• Can I make a clearer request?

• Can I set a boundary?

• Can I stop over-giving?

• Can I stop expecting someone to read my mind?

• Can I accept that this person can only offer a particular level of relationship?

Sometimes changing our side of the street changes the entire interaction.

And sometimes it doesn't.

That is information too.

The grief of accepting what someone can actually offer

There is a particular kind of grief that comes from letting go of the relationship we hoped we could have with someone.

Sometimes we don't need to end the relationship.

We need to change our expectations of it.

Maybe we see someone less often.

Maybe we keep certain conversations off the table.

Maybe we connect around shared interests rather than emotional intimacy.

Maybe we stop investing at a level that leaves us resentful.

Maybe we pull back for a period of time.

This isn't necessarily punishment.

It can be discernment.

We are allowing the relationship to occupy a different place within our web.

There are also times when a strong boundary or no contact is the healthiest option, particularly in relationships involving ongoing abusive or highly harmful behaviour without meaningful accountability or repair.

But not every difficult relationship requires an ending.

Sometimes it requires a new shape.

Before you have the conversation

There is a time and place to invite someone into a deeper conversation.

But before doing so, I often encourage clients to get very clear about their intentions.

• What am I actually hoping will happen?

• Am I hoping we can understand one another better?

• Am I hoping we can repair something?

• Am I asking for a specific change?

• Do I want to know whether this person is actually willing to work on the relationship with me?

• Or am I already done, and what I really need is to communicate that honestly?

Those are very different conversations.

And knowing which conversation you are actually having can change how you approach it.

The gentle tennis match invite

I sometimes think about difficult relational conversations like a gentle tennis match.

We serve.

We put something honest onto the other person's side of the court.

And then we have to let them decide whether and how they return it.

Maybe they return it gently.

Maybe they return it defensively.

Maybe they hit it hard.

Maybe they aren't ready to play.

Maybe they walk away.

Maybe they leave the ball sitting there.

Their response belongs to their side of the court.

Our responsibility is to make our serve as clear, honest and grounded as we can.

We cannot control what happens next.

What if they say no? Or nothing at all ? (That is still an answer).

This may be one of the hardest parts.

What if they don't want to work on it?

What if they don't have the capacity?

What if they say they can't give you what you are asking for?

Then we have information.

If someone doesn't want to or doesn’t have the capacity to participate in changing the relationship, we have to adjust our expectations accordingly.

Not necessarily because they will never change.

People can change.

Circumstances can change.

Relationships can evolve.

But we cannot build our lives around waiting for someone else to become different.

We can move forward based on what is true now.

If they don't have capacity right now, perhaps you agree to revisit the conversation later.

Perhaps you give them space.

Perhaps you simply accept that this relationship needs to take a different form.

And if the answer is an ongoing “no,” then eventually we have to stop organizing our emotional lives around the possibility of a different answer.

This is where our own power lives

There is something powerful about realizing that our power does not come from getting someone else to change.

It comes from becoming increasingly clear about how we want to show up.

Not power over.

Power within.

We cannot control another person's capacity.

We cannot force someone into accountability.

We cannot make someone communicate differently.

We cannot make someone become emotionally available.

But we can choose our own boundaries.

We can choose our own honesty.

We can choose whether we participate.

We can choose how much we give.

We can choose what we accept.

We can choose whether we keep waiting.

And every time we act in alignment with the person we want to be, we strengthen that internal sense of agency.

That is a kind of power that becomes increasingly difficult for the outside world to take away.

Reflection

Take a little time with these:

• Where am I asking someone to be different than they currently are?

• Am I responding to their actual behaviour or to their potential?

• What do their actions tell me about their current capacity?

• Where might I be putting too much weight on someone's words rather than their behaviour?

• What am I hoping will happen if I have a difficult conversation with this person?

• Do I want repair, clarity, change, closure or simply to be heard?

• Have I clearly communicated what I need, or am I hoping someone will figure it out?

• What is my side of the street?

• What belongs on their side of the street?

• If nothing about this relationship changed, what would I need to accept or change within myself?

• Is there a relationship in my life that needs a different shape rather than an ending?

• Where am I being invited to release the hope that someone else will become who I need them to be?

• What would it look like to choose power within rather than trying to create change through power over?

Relationships are messy.

They move through seasons.

People grow. People get stuck. Capacity changes. Needs change. Sometimes relationships deepen. Sometimes they transform. Sometimes they end.

Our work isn't to create perfect relationships.

It is to become more discerning about what is actually happening, more honest about what we need, more accountable for our own part, and more willing to meet reality as it is.

Sometimes that means having the conversation.

Sometimes it means setting the boundary.

Sometimes it means staying and rebuilding.

Sometimes it means changing the shape of the relationship.

And sometimes it means grieving and letting go.

None of these choices are inherently more evolved than the others.

The deeper question is:

What choice allows me to remain most aligned with who I want to be?

A place to explore this work more deeply

This is also at the heart of what I we exploring through Divine Feminine Rising.

Not simply how to “have better relationships,” but how to develop a deeper, more embodied relationship with ourselves so that we can meet our relationships, our boundaries, our intuition and our lives from a place of greater self-trust.

Divine Feminine Rising is a small, intimate mentorship circle for women who have already done meaningful personal growth work and are ready to go deeper into embodiment, healing, leadership, intuition and community.

I am currently still enrolling for the upcoming circle.

If you are feeling called to explore what it means to trust yourself more deeply, take up your own space, relate from a more grounded place and connect with other women doing this work, I would love to have you learn more about the circle.

You can find the details and enrollment information here.