The Part of Personal Growth We Don’t Talk About Enough

There is a side of personal growth and healing work that I don’t think gets talked about enough.

We talk a lot about becoming more successful, finding the right relationship, setting goals, creating the life we want, becoming more confident, or stepping into our potential.

But there is another kind of growth happening underneath all of that.

The inner work.

Learning how to understand our own emotions. Developing what I sometimes think of as our internal observer, the part of us that can notice what is happening inside without immediately becoming consumed by it. Becoming aware of the different “parts” of ourselves, including the younger parts that may still be carrying experiences, beliefs or protective patterns from different ages and stages of our lives. Being able to respond and act more and more from our “adult” and “future/higher self “ parts in our day to day lives.

This is the work of the vertical, the inner dimension of our development. Learning to understand our own internal landscape. The phsycail sensation and responses inside our bodies. The emotional energy, our feelings and our different thoughts and lawyers of belief systems. Our patterns. What is often below the surface of concious awareness.

And it doesn't mean we suddenly have no “stuff” anymore. Cue sudden enlightenment. 😉

What changes is that we become more and more conscious of the layers of our stuff.

We start to notice when something happening in the present is actually touching something much deeper. We can begin to recognize when our emotional response is about this moment, and when it is also connected to something older. (and when it is a bit of both). We take responsibility for finding the tools that work for us to release the old energies from the past so we can make more impowered choices in the present. We take greater responsibility for our own healing and our “side of the street” in any given situation.

And I really genuinely believe this is some of the most valuable work we can do in this lifetime.

It is an essential part of personal empowerment.

Because the more aware we become, the more clearly we can see what is actually within our control, where we have influence, and what we simply cannot control.

And then we can come back to our own power.

Not the power to control other people or circumstances, but the power to manage our own reactions, make choices, return to our values, and take responsibility for the person we are becoming.

The further you go, the more you see how valuable and how rare this path is.

The further you get into this work, the more you can begin to see just how uncommon this kind of inner development actually is on a wider social scale.

I don't know the exact numbers. Maybe someone reading this does.

But if you've done this work, you probably understand what I mean.

As we expand our own capacity, we can look back at ourselves with a little more compassion. We can see that we were, for the most part, doing the best we could with where we were and the tools we had at the time.

And something similar starts to happen with other people.

We become less likely to take everything personally.

We can begin to recognize that other people are also, for the most part, doing the best they can with where they are and the tools they have.

This doesn't mean we excuse harmful behaviour.

It doesn't mean we abandon boundaries or stop holding people accountable.

It means we can hold more complexity.

We can understand someone's limitations without making their limitations our responsibility or making their limits mean we are not worthy, loveable or valuable.

Going within is hard.

This work can be incredibly vulnerable.

Sometimes it is scary.

There can be a point where it feels like if you let yourself really feel the feelings, they will never end. That they might bury you.

There can be shame.

Shame about where we have messed up. Where we have hurt other people. Where we have hurt ourselves. Even when harming someone was never our intention.

There is a reason we develop ways of protecting ourselves from some of these things.

But when you have moved further along the path, you also start to experience more of the rewards.

You've already made that first journey into the hard and the unknown.

You know that it gets better.

You know that something worthwhile and valuable waits for you on the other side.

Sometimes that looks like more peace.

Sometimes it is genuine self-respect, not because you think you're perfect, but because you are increasingly able to behave and relate in ways that actually align with your values. Because you know the work you did to get to this place.

Sometimes it is simply realizing that you've developed a capacity you didn't have before.

And there is genuine reward in that.

There is something deeply satisfying about becoming more of the person you actually want to be.

But our inner world doesn't exist in isolation.

Our emotional lives directly affect the depth and quality of our relationships.

And we are deeply, inherently wired for connection.

We can have many of the markers of a successful life, the career, the home, the relationship, the family, the accomplishments, and still not necessarily experience peace, contentment, gratitude or joy.

Outer success doesn't automatically expand our capacity to give and receive unconditional love, meaning, connection and the deeper qualities of being human.

It can certainly create the time, space and resources to invest in that work.

But it isn't the same thing.

And the further we go on our own journey, the more we may also have to grieve the capacity limits of some of our existing relationships.

Some people will come with us.

Some won't.

Some relationships may deepen.

Others may naturally become more distant.

And some may fall away altogether.

That can be one of the more painful parts of growth.

We need a village.

I don't think every relationship in our lives needs to be deep, emotionally aware or highly skilled.

Human beings need different kinds of connection.

We need community. We need people to laugh with. People to share everyday life with. People who know us in different contexts. We need acquaintances, colleagues, friends, family, neighbours and professional supports.

We need a village.

But the people we choose to bring our deepest and most vulnerable parts to are different.

For those relationships, we need a safer container.

We need people who have enough capacity to meet us there.

Personally, I have a few relationships where I can bring all of myself, the messy parts, the complicated parts, the vulnerable parts, and feel held. Very close friendships or romantic partnerships need to have this depth. Everyone has different needs for different connections. Knowing what your core needs are for different types of connections can help provide a roadmap to better assess for capacity as we build connections.

I also have professional relationships where I can receive support and have space held for me.

Both are important parts of my overall web of connection.

And as a highly sensitive person and deep processor, I know that I need some relationships where I can connect at a deeper level.

Not with everyone. Not all the time.

But without some of that depth, a part of me would feel like it was starving.

I didn't always understand this about myself.

For a long time, I would find myself trying to get this need met from people who didn't necessarily share the same desire for depth, or who weren't interested in going there.

And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Depth can feel uncomfortable, unwelcome or even disturbing for some people. Just as I have interests and topics that I have little desire to spend much time exploring.

We're not all meant to connect around everything.

I wanted my friends or people I cared about to go to therapy, to open up spiritually. But that wasn’t what we had ornigally connected on. That wasn’t their path. It was a path I had been called to and the desire pointed to where I needed to intentionally build other connections in order to share this way of relating with others who also desired this type of connection for themselves.

The more we understand ourselves, the more we can begin to recognize what we actually need, and where those needs can realistically be met.

And maybe that's part of the work too.

Not expecting one person or one relationship to meet every need.

Not trying to make something deeper than it naturally is.

Not taking someone's lack of interest in depth as a rejection of our own depth.

But learning to find the people and spaces where the parts of us that need to be witnessed, explored and understood actually have somewhere to go.

That, too, is part of becoming more empowered.

A few things to reflect on

• What kinds of connection help you feel most like yourself?

• Where do you feel genuinely seen and understood?

• Are there needs you've been trying to meet in relationships that may not actually have the capacity to meet them?

• What helps you feel nourished, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually or relationally?

And perhaps most importantly:

• Are you giving yourself access to the kinds of relationships and spaces that support the person you want to continue to become?

If you're looking for deeper connection, support and space to continue this kind of inner work, I have a few upcoming opportunities to share:

One-on-one work
For those looking for individualized support and deeper therapeutic work.

Divine Feminine Rising
My small, intimate mentorship circle for women who have been doing their who and who are ready to go deeper into healing, embodiment, leadership, connection and what it means to live from a more integrated place.