How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

I used to be a full time people pleaser. So many of my decision were ruled by fears of what others would think, of letting other people down and of being of judged. Many Highly Sensitive Women easily fall into the trap of people pleasing, especially those of us who are more empathic. 

The problem with excessive people pleasing is that no matter how hard we try we can never make everyone happy. That is just a fact. When we live our lives only for others we leave no room for ourselves. We run into burnout and exhaustion. And we set ourselves up for failure and disappointment. 

When we step into a more authentic relationship with ourselves and others there are risks.

• We run the risk of disrupting or even losing relationships.

• When we acknowledge our true feelings we may have to take action.

• We may have to face conflict or difficult conversations rather than avoiding them.

• We may need to make uncomfortable changes.

• We may need time to figure out who we are without the old patterns.

• We may have to face more of our own uncomfortable “stuff’ when we stop focusing so much energy on others.

Yet the rewards are that we can find peace with knowing what is right for us, by judging success on our own terms. 

• It can clear out the superficial relationships in our life that focus more on what we can do for them than who we are are or what is best for us.

• We can find a better way to love and accept ourselves for who we are rather than relying solely on the opinions of others.

• We can get clear about whose opinions and input is truly important to us and let the rest go.

• This frees us up to put our energy where it really matters.

• We get better at accepting that others will not always do what we want and loving them anyways. When we can do this for ourselves we energetically give others the permission to do the same.

• We develop greater tolerance for differences. Differences in opinions, in lifestyles, in politics and viewpoints. When we can detach from the need to change ourselves for others we can also detach from the need to have others conform to our views and develop a greater appreciation for diversity and what makes us each unique.

• We cut out the conditional love to make room for unconditional love.

It is more important to know what relationships are important to you and invest most of your energy in cultivating empowering connections and building your tribe than in trying to achieve the impossible and make everyone happy. And at the end of the day no one else has to live your life but you. Being a nice person and people pleasing are not mutually exclusive. You can still be loving and kind and let go of people pleasing behaviour. 

There are also times where we need to take a firm stand and times when others might not like us very much. I have become much more comfortable with the idea of other people not liking me over time. My preference would be to live in a world where we can all just get along but there are times where I have had to take a stand and it has made others uncomfortable. This has also meant learning to tolerate my own discomfort in such situations. 

There are times when others reactions to us are really not about us at all. People have their own stuff going on. Stuff they may or may not be willing to face or work on. Sometimes other’s negative reaction to us is more about what is going on with them than it is about us. What is more important at the end of the day is whether we like ourselves. When we remain passive and compliant, when we override our gut feelings and emotions for the sake of not rocking the boat, we risk not respecting ourselves and our own values, morals and ethics. We risk letting others down by not speaking up for what is right. We are the ones who have to live with the impact of our decisions and where we choose to invest our energy in the present. 

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