How to Say No With Love (and why you need to)

Saying no can be a lot harder than it needs to be. Many women struggle with saying yes when we really want to say no.

There are many reasons why we might say yes when we really want to say no: 

• It can feel easier to just say yes

• We can avoid conflict 

• We don’t want to hurt others or offend them

• We might worry about the impact of saying no or how others might react

• There can be fear of missing out

• There can be fear of being judged, or of being seen as not nice

• We genuinely want to help and it hurts to see others suffer

• It might feel like we don’t have any other (good) options

There are evolutionary and historical reasons for this struggle. On an evolutionary scale women tended to children and stayed in close knit groups gathering and caring for the community while men were out hunting side by side. Women are often the caretakers of relationships. Our brains are also more strongly wired to notice and respond to the emotions of others and have a harder time compartmentalizing emotions. Studies have shown that newborn and infant girls possess more empathy and respond more to the distress cries of other babies than male newborns and infants do. Historically, it has only been in recent generations that women have gained the right and freedom to work outside the home. Yet statistically women are still responsible for the majority of housework and childcare responsibilities inside the home as well. 

Most of us consider ourselves to be good, caring people who value making a difference and being kind and helpful to others. I know I want to live in a world where we value and support one another. We don’t want to be selfish or cold. Yet the hard part can be navigating how to take care of ourselves, make space for our callings, commitments and priorities in a world of increasing demands on our time and energy. 

We can swing between passive energy of putting others ahead of ourselves, not speaking up for what we need, saying yes when we really want to say no to burning out and shutting down or even to more aggressive energy. 

We can only go so long with putting ourselves last before we start to run out of fuel in our own tanks. When there is more energy going out then we are receiving it can show up in terms of feelings of burnout, lack of motivation or enjoyment to straight up anger and resentment.

There is nothing negative about anger in itself. It is what we do with it and how we channel it that can be either a helpful catalyst to important change or a destructive force. Anger is often a sign that there is something that is not working. That our boundaries are being pushed, crossed or violated. That something is not ok. 

Passive communication avoids conflict and attempts to protect relationships by keeping the peace at the expense of our own needs. Aggressive communication happens when our own needs are number one and we do not consider the impact on others.

Neither approach is ideal in the long term and it is surprising for many to realize that they can even feed off one another. Denying our own needs for too long leads to simmering resentment and anger over time until we reach the point of exploding. Until enough is enough and we can’t take anymore. Until we no longer even care about perserving the relationship, it can feel like it is better to just cut the other person off we are so fed up with so many unspoken offences over time. This is when we swing to self protection and aggression. 

The challenge is to find a balance between respect for others as well as respect for ourselves. We need to find a way to say no that feels good to us and leaves others feeling respected as well. Saying no can be hard, yet not being able to say no is often worse for us and our relationships in the long run. 

If you are a chronic over-giver and struggle with saying no, here are 5 tips to help get you started. 

Give yourself the Gift of Space: Make a commitment to yourself not to decide on the spot to any additional requests for your time or energy. Get back to people (in a timely fashion) but give yourself the gift of space to step out of the perceived pressure of  the moment and to realistically review your existing schedule and energy level. 

Get clear on if it a ‘want to’ or ‘should’? Check in with yourself what is the underlying motivation driving your decision. Is it a cause you are passionate about that really lights you up and adds meaning to your world? Or are you primarily driven by feelings of guilt or ‘ I should’. 

Practice makes perfect (well maybe not perfect, but at least less awkward): Any new communication style takes practice for it to begin to feel more natural and more like a part of our everyday language. At first you may feel like a bad stage actor, you might have it all lined up perfectly in your head only to find yourself stammering in the the moment. For common or anticipated requests it can be helpful to write out a script for yourself, practice out loud, in front of the mirror or with a supportive and trusted friend or therapist. It will feel uncomfortable at first but will get easier and more natural with practice. 

Offer alternative forms of support (only if this feels good to give): If you can’t commit to the original request but maybe there is something else you could offer in terms of assistance, offer what you can and are happy to give. It may be resources you have found helpful or a referral to someone else with a specific skills set. It might even be words of encouragement or support in another way. Be creative and give freely what feels good to you. 

Keep your response brief and clear: If your answer is no be loving but clear and firm. Wishy washy responses like “that sounds great but I am not sure I can make it,, maybe but I am pretty busy,,” all leave the door open for the request to continue to come back and haunt you. If you know it is a clear no for you be clear, concise and to the point. There is no need to justify or go into lengthy explanations of your decision. 

By saying no with love we also give others permission to do the same. Keep giving generously in ways that fill you up and call to your soul. Give yourself permission to release ‘shoulds’ guilt and the weight of others expectations if it is only draining you. When we are balanced in giving and receiving energy we are able to show up as the best versions of ourselves and protect our relationships from the slow destruction of built up anger and resentment. Respecting your own ‘no’s makes space to devote your time and energy to your own sacred YES! 

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