How to Cope in Times of Stress

Are you and Overfunctioner or an Underfunctioner? 

Functioning refers to our ability to handle life in general, our ability to make decisions, manage stress, to be responsible humans who are capable to GSD. Our overall ability to function in life refers to our willingness and ability to take 100% responsibility for our own lives. To fulfil important roles both professionally as well as in our personal relationships. Our ability to function refers to fulfil our responsibilities and goals for ourselves within our job or our business.  It also refers to our ability to show up for our families, friends and loved ones. It is finding the right balance of taking on our share of responsibility (and not taking on more or less than this). 

In The Dance of Anger, Dr. Harriet Learner talks about the difference between how people process stressful times. Brene Brown also discusses this dynamic in her book The Power of Vulnerability. In times of stress people  tend to unconsciously lean towards patterns of either overfunctioning or underfunctioning. This is especially evident in terms of roles within relationships and within family dynamics. 

In my work with women around issues of self-care, relationships boundaries and burn out 

understanding the interacting dynamics of overfunctioning and underfunctioning can shed light on important relationship and family dynamics. 

How to Recognize Patterns of Overfunctioning: 

Overfunctioners can be great people to have around in times of crisis. They jump in and take action and control. They are great at taking actions and getting things done. They tend to be the person other’s rely on or call when faced with a difficult situation. In her research Brene Brown found that overfunctioning tends to occur more in first born children and eldest girls in families.

Our culture and society tends to place more value on overfunctioners as they are viewed as more ‘productive;. But overfunctioning is not inherently ‘better’ than underfunctioning. In fact overfunctioning comes with its own set of challenges and costs both to the individual and to relationships. 

The downside is that overfunctioners can take over, want things done their way (which they see as the only right way). Those caught in this pattern can use the excessive busyness and to-do lists as a way to avoid having to slow down enough to actually face and process their own feelings and emotions. Overfunctioners also often end up doing for others what others can (and probably should) be doing for themselves. This can lead to harm in  relationships by being too controlling or uptight. The challenge for overfunctioners is to give up a false sense of control and to allow others to help and to also accept support. 

Overfunctioners can begin to take on the life responsibilities of another person and can often neglect themselves and their own self-care in the process. The end result is often enabling the underfunctioning behaviour of another, (although the intent is actually the opposite). Ongoing patterns of overfunctioning can lead to feelings of anger and resentment as their efforts seem to be unappreciated or the underfunctioner fails to follow through on the advice of the overfunctioner. 

The cost to the individual is that they can end up burning themselves out by not allowing themselves to slow down enough to actually process their own emotions or receive support themselves. In relationships overfunctioners can burn out with over giving or taking on more than their fair share of responsibility and tasks. In the longer term this can lead to relationship break down as overfunctioners become burnt out and feel pushed to the point where they are ready to risk losing the relationship rather than to continue to take on more than their share of the responsibility. 

How to Recognize Patterns of Underfunctioning: 

Underfunctioners on the other hand tend to go into more of a freeze mode in times of difficulty or crisis. They may feel overwhelmed, stuck and unable to take action. They lean towards wanting someone else to take over and to rescue them. They often feel helpless, powerless and can become frozen in victim mode. 

Underfunctioners struggle with fulfilling the responsibility of important roles in their lives. They may be under or unemployed, they can rely on ‘zoning out’ and avoidance strategies to avoid facing problems and taking actions. They may directly or indirectly default to asking for help from others to manage their problems. In families and relationships they are often seen as ‘the problem’ and often get a disproportionate amount of energy and resources directed their way. 

The challenge for underfunctioners is in taking small steps and actions to increase their sense of power and personal agency in the face of what they cannot control. 

The longer term costs of patterns of underfunctioning can lead to feelings of failure and low self-esteem and self worth as the individual fails to live up to their potential. Academic and career underachievement or failure can be a consequence of longer term underfunctioning patterns. Relationships can also end up strained as support networks can begin to feel resentful or burned out with the role of ‘care taker’ for the individual who is struggling to take action and responsibility for their own life. Anxiety and depression can also be a concern for those stuck in patterns of underfunctioning. Avoidance and failure to face and overcome challenges actually often leads to increased anxiety and avoidance of facing similar situations over time. 

How Overfunctioning and Underfunctioning Reinforce One Another (and How to Break the Cycle):

It is important to note that the differences between overfunctioners and underfunctioners is not just a description of style but of a mutually reinforced interaction pattern/cycle. It is a way of managing anxiety. By either going into action mode, or getting stuck in feelings and unable to take action. Someone who is underfunctioning is often paired with or has one more more people who are overfunctioning contributing to the dynamic to ‘take care’ of them. 

If you identify with either of the above patterns in your personal or family relationships know that by increasing your awareness of your default patterns and taking conscious steps to come to a more balanced place of responsibility in your own life and the lives of others is possible. We do not have to change anyone else (I would always advise that trying to change others is setting ourselves up for frustration and disappointment). The good news about relationship cycles and patterns is that any time we make changes on our own end and in our own roles the system itself has to change in order to adapt. This is not always an easy or comfortable process but it is often much more sustainable in the long run. 

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